You Want To Secede? Don't Let the Door Hit You In The Ass

Just when you thought the south was finally getting over the Civil War, they decide they want to Secede.

Well guess what. There will be no war. You want to become the country Previously Known as Part of the United States, go right ahead. We won't miss you. In fact, the rest of us will be better off. You can leave and take your problems with you, but you can't take our Federal Tax Money. Oh no, we paid it fair and square. You have to start from scratch.

The first thing the Rest of Us will do is put up one of those walls you are so fond of. It will be made of concrete and on top will be barbed wire and cameras so we can catch you trying to sneak back in to our country. Not gonna work, and we won't care what color you are, although we might grant political asylum to blacks and Hispanics, because they probably didn't want to leave the Land of Entitlement anyways.

The second thing we will do is set up a ballistic missile system pointing at the country Previously Known as Part of the United States. We know how you love your guns and we want you to take them with you. But you never know when someone might throw a Molotov cocktail over the fence. Let us be clear. We will retaliate.  You will need your guns to hunt for food because we are keeping all the food stamps. We have people who really need them. Since you hate our government so much, you can't have any of it.

I don't know how you are going to deal with education considering anyone who is educated has probably moved to New York by now. You can import flashcards from China and go from there. Just make sure you can count high enough to pay your bills. Oh, and your going to have to raise taxes. If you don't get that joke, you probably can't read.

We know a guy who says he's perfect for the job as your President. If you can persuade him to part with a little cash, he might help you get on your feet. He might not like the term "President" so much because it brings back bad memories, but King would work, and his wife will definitely love being called Queen. They will remind you somewhat of Ronald Reagan because they will be bringing horses with them. They just won't ride them like Reagan did because the King and Queen's horses dance!

I suppose you will get to keep all the roads and bridges you take with you, but if they start falling apart, you have to fix them. No more help from us. If a really bad storm blows your homes away, or if it snows so much your roofs collapse, we will make sure People Magazine covers the story. That's the least we can do. Maybe some kind souls will have a food drive and you can have all the cans of potatoes, mixed vegetables  and beets that have been sitting on our shelves for two years. Canned goods last for years and years. We learned that during the cold war.

I could go on and on. There are so many good reasons for you to stay with us, but since you are just pissed off because a certain black man, who already has a job, is married to his wife, has children who were born in wedlock is still President of the United States, then leave. Go. Go away. Good Luck. And don't let the door hit you in the ass. Just remember, you won't have Obamacare to fix your broken assbone.